It has now been a month since the loss of my brother. I continue to process the realization that he is no longer physically present with us in this life. I want to reflect on something that has really been eating away at me since his death.
I want to say right away that this is in no way an indictment of others or what they have said during this time but rather a reflection of my own heart and continued grieving process.
For the two days of visitation and funeral services I heard one particular statement over and over that stung me like a quick bee sting each time I heard it. It was said in a variety of ways but the message was the same.
“Just Be Strong”
“Stay Strong”
“Your family needs you to be strong”
“He would want you to be strong”
Now, I must admit that I have said similar statements to other people who have lost loved ones as well, but over the past year I have shifted my position on such thinking and here is why.
In our culture I believe there is a massive fear in showing weakness. I think we say things like, “Just be strong” because sometimes we don’t really know what to say and it is like a default response when we are at a loss for words. I also think we say such things because we are programmed to think that showing strength in the midst of extreme suffering is an act of valor, a badge that we will earn and sew on our jacket so everyone will know how strong we are and see our ability to hold it all together when in reality everything is falling a part.
Why is weakness seen as such weakness in our world? Why do we pride ourselves on being strong or at least pretending to be strong when we are really broken hearted?
What I am trying to say is that it takes much more courage to admit weakness and be vulnerable then it does to have false courage pretending to be strong so others think we have our shit together. God forbid we actually acknowledge that we are human beings with real feelings and real hearts that get broken. I would even suggest that when we promote a false sense of strength in the midst of suffering our hearts break even more because we deny ourselves the opportunity to feel the pain and great sorrow it is expressing. We also miss a chance to let others hold our hearts and share in our sadness…we are too afraid to let someone else hold our broken hearts and help put the shattered pieces back together. And if you’re like me…then you get mad that people don’t come around and check in or encourage you…but why would they? Strong people don’t need that sort of help…they have it all together!
I have a dear friend that says to me over and over again, “Never waste a good crisis.” I am convinced and I have experienced that real growth and change comes when we let our crisis situations become an opportunity to step through fear and into growth. It takes great courage to take a step into fear but I don’t think that step requires great strength. In my vocabulary strength and courage are not synonymous. I believe that the step to lean into pain, grief, and suffering is one that is born out of weakness. We do not grow by being strong, jumping across the sea of fear. We grow by wading slowly into the fear, into the unknown, feeling every emotion it has to offer, allowing others to help us navigate the currents of those dangerous waters. We grow by admitting our limitations, recognizing our brokenness, and courageously taking a swim in the sea of fear.
It is a long swim…at times we struggle to keep our head above water and the waves often come lapping over our heads and we take in some water. We may even sink a few feet under the surface but that is when we surround ourselves in community and allow others to reach their hand down and pull us up so we can take a breath. We paddle, we kick, we struggle, and eventually with the help of Papa and others we reach the other side and we realize that Father, Spirit, Son, really are perfect strength in our weakness. We crawl up on the shore, lay in the sand as the sun breaks through the clouds, its glow warms our bodies and pierces our hearts and our strength is renewed by the illuminating light of a Jesus in whom there is no darkness and the Spirit breathes new life into our lungs while drawing out the fluid we took on during the swim.
Paths of healing are not to be conquered by the strong, they are to be navigated by the weak. When we are constantly pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps there is no acknowledgement of the fear that is necessary to propel us to growth. Pull on those straps long and hard enough and eventually they break.
Lean into the pain with no guarantee of the outcome and you will find that in weakness a resolve develops the likes you’ve never seen or experienced before. In that place, the darkness is overcome with light, fear is met with courage, sorrow is accompanied by joy, and weakness is transferred into strength. Growth happens not by avoiding, but by acknowledging…and heading straight for the caution tape, lifting it up and walking into the crime scene. Unless this occurs a false sense of security and strength keeps us yanking on those bootstraps day after day.
It is only by traveling down the unknown roads that you can arrive at a destination you’ve never been to before. The road is fear…the destination is freedom…the first step is weakness…the end result is a strength you don’t have to pretend to have!
Be Blessed Friends…You Already Are!
theuglybeautiful 